The One That Got Away

It’s that time of year when being single is akin to leprosy. I convince myself that you don’t being alone doesn’t depress me. I’m better of alone than dealing with someone else’s bullshit right? Then I think of that person, with whom I was better off than alone.That person who pierced my self sufficient world, and got me hooked; I loved it all – bullshit inclusive.

I never had a problem enjoying my own company but your intrusion into my world derailed me. I tried to convince myself that I was not growing reliant on you, waiting more eagerly for next time than I did the last. I denied enjoying the late nights lying silently on your chest, all spent after a sweaty fuck. I tried so hard not fall asleep, so I could remember you petting me the next day… Your petting always put me to sleep fast but not faster than the thoughts of the next day that swirled in my head, spitting on my temporary bliss.

The next day when we’d put on a show for our close friends who would never really understand the depths of our forbidden passions. At least that’s what i told myself, a small part of wondered if it was because you were ashamed of me. I scold myself for being ridiculous, I know you’re not secretly enjoying my partial surrender and pushing my limits until I had no more to offer, before casting me aside. I know it because, I feel it in the way you look at me when you think I’m not looking. Better yet, I know the craving hungry look you cast my direction when you want me. How a wordless glance wets my panties I don’t understand…

You always got to watch me sleep, but I always got to watch you wake. I usually spared cheery thoughts for the early morning. I’d smoke a joint and while watching you sleep, taking you in before you got that casual-dismissive guard back up. What a magnificent thing to see you disarmed. At peace without the trademark half-scowl that lingered beneath you curt smile, as if daring anyone to displease. I’d muse how your mouth’s natural soft curve better complimented your handsome face. I wished you’d wear it more. It made me dream of impossible things for us.

At that point, I’d pad of silently to the kitchen to whip up breakfast high on impotent dreams, Rihanna on my headphones and that stuff you don’t like me smoking. I’d frown at the tell tale musky smell betraying my guilt but smile on at my own genius on realizing that the fresh coffee, toast, bacon and sausages would provide cover. I gorge myself, slowly feeling the energy you so expertly drained from me seep back. Sated, I’d take a hot shower before creeping back into bed, feeling ready to wake you up and unleash my revenge on you. Yes, just like you ruled my nights, I’m certain I made your mornings.

After wearing you out, I’d secretly enjoy watching you wolf down my breakfast, because you taught me I could be that kind a of girl. Only you didn’t deserve it. You gave me plenty but it wasn’t enough, maybe I was greedy or it’s my impossibly high standards plotting for me to die alone. Truth is, I had never a lover like you, a lover who consumed me wholly, saw me do things I got flustered me if i thought of them in the light of day. Despite your cocky assurances otherwise, I’m convinced you can’t be the only one able unlock my inhibitions. I’m convinced that I will find another equal if not superior.

 

 

Sexuality

Sexuality is more than who you have sex with, it is the diverse and deeply personal feelings and attractions we feel towards other people. The way i see it, whichever side you pick you’re missing out on a large chunk of the world’s pleasure and or pain if you’re the 50 shades of freaky type. Freak is not something we’re raised to embrace, regardless of whether you picked a side or a side picked you, most of our default factory settings see to it we are on one regardless of whether it fits us or not.

Gender, sex and sexuality are complex issues that society is unwilling to discuss except when perpetuating a stereotype. Kenya has recently seen its share of transgenders coming out of the woodwork, most notably Audrey Mbugua, all of whom are met with scorn. We need to be more accommodating of people’s quirks, especially when they don’t interfere with our lives. It is in people’s nature to oppose change, even more irrationally when they do not understand it, Africans however seemed cursed with a more chronic metathesiophobia than the rest of the world. Whether your concerns are cultural or moral, they are not important enough to get in the way of others’ happiness. If Audrey is at 100% fulfilment in a dress, why force her to be Andrew because of your comfort?

Labels

Labels both politically correct and derogatory ones do little to define something complex as human sexuality which goes beyond straight, gay and bisexual. Unless you are 100% certain that you are 100% straight, gay, queer or whichever label currently attached to your persona, it only serves to keep you confined and possibly unhappy. It is okay to let yourself feel freely for whomever awakens your spirit and ignites your passions without picking a word for it. I personally refuse to label my sexuality because of the liberating nature of having infinite possible partners. Walking into a room and not seeing men or women but people, amongst them one I could love and would love me back gives an intoxicating rush. I maybe biased against men, but I still grant them an equal chance to fuck up, like a would a captivating lady.

Different colours 

People’s sexualities differ as much as their personalities for a vast number of reasons. Even scientists cannot pin down factors determining our sexuality and have forwarded a number of theories including genetic pre-determination, attitudes, beliefs, experiences, societal expectations, childhood influences and peer pressure. So complex is sexuality, we can’t even figure out whether we pick our sexuality or our sexuality picks us. Sexuality is fully formed by late teens and seems to be a gamble based on the millions of factors that fundamentally make us who we are. Sexuality usually resists any attempts to deny or alter it by imposing depression and esteem issues on anyone less than totally accepting of their sexuality.

Relationships

Gender is not a defining factor in relationships and often someone’s gender is more complex than their appearance and set of concealed genitals. Many a straight person have gotten into relationships with people who appear classically male or female but turn out to be way deeper. People married for years find desires buried deep into the subconscious bubble to the surface ruining the ‘normal’ marital bliss. Even worse are people who ignored their lingering feelings or dismissed them as lustful temptations and indulge them while staying closeted.

Granted in Africa, it is not always easy or in your best interests to come out, you need to be genuine with yourself at the very least. Youth is the time for experimentation (within the safety limits) to find your true self and few things done then are permanent. You do not need to feel obliged to announce a sexual label to the world especially if you’re too frail to handle the judgement. For the curious, if I were to pick a label gun to my head, I’d say I’m a sapiosexual bisexual lesbian, lemme see you come up with one judgemental label for that!

Labels defining sexuality 

Heterosexual (Straight) – Person attracted to members of the opposite sex usually those complying with the typical gender stereotypes.

Homosexual (Gay) – Person attracted towards members of the same sex

Bisexual – Person attracted to members of both sexes

Asexual – Person lacking attraction of a sexual nature towards others

Polysexual – Person attracted sexually to more than one gender; unlike bisexual which assumes only two sexes based on gender stereotypes

Pansexual – Person universally attracted to all people regardless of gender.