The One That Got Away

It’s that time of year when being single is akin to leprosy. I convince myself that you don’t being alone doesn’t depress me. I’m better of alone than dealing with someone else’s bullshit right? Then I think of that person, with whom I was better off than alone.That person who pierced my self sufficient world, and got me hooked; I loved it all – bullshit inclusive.

I never had a problem enjoying my own company but your intrusion into my world derailed me. I tried to convince myself that I was not growing reliant on you, waiting more eagerly for next time than I did the last. I denied enjoying the late nights lying silently on your chest, all spent after a sweaty fuck. I tried so hard not fall asleep, so I could remember you petting me the next day… Your petting always put me to sleep fast but not faster than the thoughts of the next day that swirled in my head, spitting on my temporary bliss.

The next day when we’d put on a show for our close friends who would never really understand the depths of our forbidden passions. At least that’s what i told myself, a small part of wondered if it was because you were ashamed of me. I scold myself for being ridiculous, I know you’re not secretly enjoying my partial surrender and pushing my limits until I had no more to offer, before casting me aside. I know it because, I feel it in the way you look at me when you think I’m not looking. Better yet, I know the craving hungry look you cast my direction when you want me. How a wordless glance wets my panties I don’t understand…

You always got to watch me sleep, but I always got to watch you wake. I usually spared cheery thoughts for the early morning. I’d smoke a joint and while watching you sleep, taking you in before you got that casual-dismissive guard back up. What a magnificent thing to see you disarmed. At peace without the trademark half-scowl that lingered beneath you curt smile, as if daring anyone to displease. I’d muse how your mouth’s natural soft curve better complimented your handsome face. I wished you’d wear it more. It made me dream of impossible things for us.

At that point, I’d pad of silently to the kitchen to whip up breakfast high on impotent dreams, Rihanna on my headphones and that stuff you don’t like me smoking. I’d frown at the tell tale musky smell betraying my guilt but smile on at my own genius on realizing that the fresh coffee, toast, bacon and sausages would provide cover. I gorge myself, slowly feeling the energy you so expertly drained from me seep back. Sated, I’d take a hot shower before creeping back into bed, feeling ready to wake you up and unleash my revenge on you. Yes, just like you ruled my nights, I’m certain I made your mornings.

After wearing you out, I’d secretly enjoy watching you wolf down my breakfast, because you taught me I could be that kind a of girl. Only you didn’t deserve it. You gave me plenty but it wasn’t enough, maybe I was greedy or it’s my impossibly high standards plotting for me to die alone. Truth is, I had never a lover like you, a lover who consumed me wholly, saw me do things I got flustered me if i thought of them in the light of day. Despite your cocky assurances otherwise, I’m convinced you can’t be the only one able unlock my inhibitions. I’m convinced that I will find another equal if not superior.

 

 

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Blood, Sweat and Tears: Africa’s Doomed Vicious Cycle

ristozetu

“As large parts of the world age, Africa grows younger by the day! The youthful sons of daughters and Africa are our incredible resource and are reaching out for a new future.” These are the inspiring words of Kenya’s president, Uhuru Kenyatta, during the Global Entreprenuership Summit 2015. Africa’s youth is unarguably a great resource, the younger you reach into the youth. the grander their dreams for our continent. Are we however truly reaching out for a new better future, or merely dreaming of one?

Before ‘civilization’ brightened our dark continent, there was no such thing as a rich ruler whose subjects were poor, closest we had to taxes was tribute, we had no stark social castes; even the poorest man had a roof over his head and negative ethnicity was unheard of as even inter-tribe raids were a socioeconomic activity (not brewed hatred). Along came the colonialists armed with…

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What to do when drugs steal your loved one.

Source: What to do when drugs steal your loved one.

 

It is saddening to watch anyone struggle with substance addiction, when that person is also a family member; the situation often becomes agonizingly complicated. Peter Omondi, a clinical psychologist rids families of the ignorance that prevents them from dealing with the situation in a responsible and healthy way.

“Addiction is a state characterized by compulsive engagement in rewarding stimuli despite adverse consequences. These stimuli increase the probability of repeating a particular behavior and over time tolerance towards the stimuli develops. Tolerance is the diminishing in effect if a drug due to continuous administration and it leads to dependence. Dependence is an addictive state associated with withdrawal symptoms upon sensation of repeated exposure to a stimuli or the drug intake. Addicts are people who have developed a desire to self medicate in attempt to regulate and control a troubled and turbulent inner world through their drug of choice.” Mr. Omondi explains some of the common terms used in regard.

Family often means well, but their interventions in many situations are misinterpreted for being judgmental, nosy or plain annoying. Mr. Omondi, who works at the Asumbi Treatment Centre, acknowledges that addicts are cunning emotional minefields and advices family on how to navigate without tiptoeing around the issue.

Dear Marijuana Again! (Reflections of a Rehab Escapee)

If you read my post: Dear Marijuana

it will not come as a surprise that I found my ass in rehab. Well, at least it wasn’t a mental institution, though the difference might be lost on some people (me included). incase you are wondering I did not go willingly even though like a like a dumb fuck I packed my bags. Coercion and blackmail played the greatest role in getting me there unfortunately they were not enough to make me to stay. I skipped the joint after the first two weeks, on the night of my 21st birthday (It was also the final for Champions League) no less!

My parents were understandably less than excited to have the problem they had dumped in rehab wake them up at 1.00 AM on a Sunday, so i was promptly taken back. Two more weeks had me ready to ditch the place again this time for good. I had no intention of repeating my mistake to have my parents deport me, so it was me against the world. It may seem like I didn’t learn much but you’ll be shocked how much I picked up in four weeks!

Rehab sucks! I won’t lie, with the exception of the very cool people (read addicts) I met there, everything else made me want to slash my wrists. Unfortunately, I am kinda in love with myself and completely unable to cause myself any pain whatsoever. There are all sorts of people in rehab, it was not what I expected at all. My roommate was a delightful little heroine addict visiting rehab for the second time after a relapse, she held my hand and walked me through all the strangeness.

You’d think all animals are equal but apparently even in rehab some addicts are more equal than others. Alcoholics lorded over us thinking themselves the highest of all us lowlife junkies, the reason was lost on me, hazarding a guess probably because their vice was the most socially acceptable. I itched to tell them that until public demand shifted the scales of justice, puritans had made their drug of choice illegal just like ours, however i forgave them because their withdrawal was ugly to witness.

Lucky for marijuana enthusiasts, we suffer no withdrawal when separated from our beloved. Only one other person was there purely for cannabis and we got along splendidly with the other junkies . Users of heroine and cocaine made for great company after they emerged from the terror of withdrawal of serious narcotics. They were not as ill tempered as the alcoholics who seemed to be in constant need of someone to bash to make themselves feel better. Junkies had amazing stories of the escapades they witnessed in pursuit of their fix. We also shared the general misplaced feeling spanning from being locked up and forced into the AA program that held little insight or appeal to us.

The prison wardens (read counsellors) were the actual reason I could not abide. Being treated like someone not concerned or conscious of their own existence was initially demeaning though I thought I could grin and bear it while counting down my three months. i soon realized it got much worse, than being treated like a toddler, we were considered mentally unstable and incapable of rational decision making. The rebel i am, these unacceptable constants saw me clash with the ‘law’ and I was not ready to apologize yet I was right.

Captivity paired with the mind numbing boredom of having nothing to do but listen to the droning on during group counseling brings out strange things in people. There was this one crazy guy, well there were many crazy guy but one really got to me. He’d walk around muttering under his breath writing in a little notebook talking to no one but his charming self. When i was informed that most of the crazies, him included were normal upon arrival, I thought my newfound buddies were playing ‘scare the newbie’. Terror sank in as I observed him get worse in my month there, he stopped mumbling and started yelling rap verses (his original pieces) out loud, accosting people on issues they had no clue about and acting very bizarrely(he made grillz from paper foil wrapping margarine) amongst other things.

I needed no further encouragement, my sanity was not up for grabs and I couldn’t gamble on it. Truth was i could feel my ends fraying and I ditched that joint before they unravelled. It has been three months since I said adios amigos, no hasta la vista baby, unlike the terminator I will never be back.

Sexuality

Sexuality is more than who you have sex with, it is the diverse and deeply personal feelings and attractions we feel towards other people. The way i see it, whichever side you pick you’re missing out on a large chunk of the world’s pleasure and or pain if you’re the 50 shades of freaky type. Freak is not something we’re raised to embrace, regardless of whether you picked a side or a side picked you, most of our default factory settings see to it we are on one regardless of whether it fits us or not.

Gender, sex and sexuality are complex issues that society is unwilling to discuss except when perpetuating a stereotype. Kenya has recently seen its share of transgenders coming out of the woodwork, most notably Audrey Mbugua, all of whom are met with scorn. We need to be more accommodating of people’s quirks, especially when they don’t interfere with our lives. It is in people’s nature to oppose change, even more irrationally when they do not understand it, Africans however seemed cursed with a more chronic metathesiophobia than the rest of the world. Whether your concerns are cultural or moral, they are not important enough to get in the way of others’ happiness. If Audrey is at 100% fulfilment in a dress, why force her to be Andrew because of your comfort?

Labels

Labels both politically correct and derogatory ones do little to define something complex as human sexuality which goes beyond straight, gay and bisexual. Unless you are 100% certain that you are 100% straight, gay, queer or whichever label currently attached to your persona, it only serves to keep you confined and possibly unhappy. It is okay to let yourself feel freely for whomever awakens your spirit and ignites your passions without picking a word for it. I personally refuse to label my sexuality because of the liberating nature of having infinite possible partners. Walking into a room and not seeing men or women but people, amongst them one I could love and would love me back gives an intoxicating rush. I maybe biased against men, but I still grant them an equal chance to fuck up, like a would a captivating lady.

Different colours 

People’s sexualities differ as much as their personalities for a vast number of reasons. Even scientists cannot pin down factors determining our sexuality and have forwarded a number of theories including genetic pre-determination, attitudes, beliefs, experiences, societal expectations, childhood influences and peer pressure. So complex is sexuality, we can’t even figure out whether we pick our sexuality or our sexuality picks us. Sexuality is fully formed by late teens and seems to be a gamble based on the millions of factors that fundamentally make us who we are. Sexuality usually resists any attempts to deny or alter it by imposing depression and esteem issues on anyone less than totally accepting of their sexuality.

Relationships

Gender is not a defining factor in relationships and often someone’s gender is more complex than their appearance and set of concealed genitals. Many a straight person have gotten into relationships with people who appear classically male or female but turn out to be way deeper. People married for years find desires buried deep into the subconscious bubble to the surface ruining the ‘normal’ marital bliss. Even worse are people who ignored their lingering feelings or dismissed them as lustful temptations and indulge them while staying closeted.

Granted in Africa, it is not always easy or in your best interests to come out, you need to be genuine with yourself at the very least. Youth is the time for experimentation (within the safety limits) to find your true self and few things done then are permanent. You do not need to feel obliged to announce a sexual label to the world especially if you’re too frail to handle the judgement. For the curious, if I were to pick a label gun to my head, I’d say I’m a sapiosexual bisexual lesbian, lemme see you come up with one judgemental label for that!

Labels defining sexuality 

Heterosexual (Straight) – Person attracted to members of the opposite sex usually those complying with the typical gender stereotypes.

Homosexual (Gay) – Person attracted towards members of the same sex

Bisexual – Person attracted to members of both sexes

Asexual – Person lacking attraction of a sexual nature towards others

Polysexual – Person attracted sexually to more than one gender; unlike bisexual which assumes only two sexes based on gender stereotypes

Pansexual – Person universally attracted to all people regardless of gender.

How to Lose Weight for Lazy Girls (No gym, No Diet)

Truth being told, few ladies can claim to enjoy going to the gym. Membership fee aside, you get all sweaty, ruin your hair, test your esteem against the fitness freaks and lug around a gym bag. Good news is that you don’t need the gym to healthily shed a few pounds.

Keep healthy eating habits, do not starve yourself. Try to eat your meals at the same time every day to get your body into a routine. Eat a healthy breakfast rich in protein and fibrous foods (fruits). Have an early supper preferably three hours before bed. Make sure you get at least seven hours of sleep as tired people mistake lack of energy for hunger and eat more.

Add a few steps to your day. Don’t go round in circles looking for an open parking spot opposite the office, instead purposefully find a safe distant location and take a little walk. Give the elevator a break, take the stairs every once in a while, especially if you’re going no higher than the fifth floor and have nothing else but yourself to carry.

Don’t drink calories. Soda, juice concentrates, alcohol and energy drinks are a big reason most fitness routines fail. Always start every meal with a glass of water. Not only do you stay hydrated, but also you tend to eat smaller portions. If you find water bland try tricking your taste buds by throwing a lemon slice into your water bottle.

Master the art of healthy snacking. Snacking accounts for most of the calories we shove into our bodies. Declare a war on fast foods and processed foods. Snack on fruits/fruit juice, nuts, yoghurt or something you have cooked yourself e.g. sandwiches which is definitely better than anything you eat from a box.

Get a healthy hobby such as swimming, cycling or dancing. Dancing is easier since all it takes is some music, space and yourself. Half an hour of dancing will burn 280 calories and help you brush up on your moves for that girls’ night out. While sex is not technically a hobby, it gets an honorable mention for all the calories it helps burn while reducing stress and improving your relationship.

Have fun keeping healthy and losing weight one step at a time, the lazy way. Be brave because next time, we discuss cutting your sugar(ice cream, chocolate, wine etc (everything that makes a hard day better)

Fairytales Of Slavery: Societal Distinctions, Technoshamanism, and Nonhuman Personhood

afutureworththinkingabout

“How long have you been lost down here?
How did you come to lose your way?
When did you realize
That you’d never be free?”
–Miranda Sex Garden, “A Fairytale About Slavery”

One of the things I’ve been thinking about, lately, is the politicization of certain spaces within philosophy of mind, sociology, magic, and popular culture, specifically science fiction/fantasy. CHAPPiE comes out on Friday in the US, and Avengers: Age of Ultron in May, and while both of these films promise to be relatively unique explorations of the age-old story of what happens when humans create machine minds, I still find myself hoping for something a little… different. A little over a year ago, i made the declaration that the term to watch for the next little while thereafter was “Afrofuturism,” the reclaimed name for the anti-colonial current of science fiction and pop media as created by…

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Pro Life, Still a Feminist

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Someone recently told me I couldn’t be a feminist if I was anti abortion. It made me furious and I could barely listen to her weak argument without snapping.  Feminists have a bad enough name as it is without such IQ challenged characters walking around claiming membership. She said that abortion was a reproductive health right for women. Excuse me in what universe is murder a right? Gimme a second to calm down so that I don’t end up ranting instead of informing Pro Choice feminists.

Reproductive health rights means access to contraceptives and information on correct use and side effects. Our pro choice sisters get by on the claim of bodily autonomy, nobody can claim a right to your body that goes above your own right. I agree, we have final jurisdiction over our bodies. They further argue that a foetus must survive on a woman’s body and therefore a woman has the right to withdraw her consent and body at anytime. This is where I try and hide contempt from clouding my eyes and mind. Did your mother birth and educate you so you could speak such vile filth? To argue bodily autonomy would exonerate not only abortionists but any woman who endangers her child between 0-18 years when they are legally dependent.

What pro-choice people conveniently choose to ignore is that they’ve had nothing but choices from the very start. They had a choice of getting on contraception plan before they had a choice to engage in unprotected sex. They further had a choice of several other post intercourse contraceptives after the deed. The choice to do nothing until they got pregnant was theirs all the way. When they finally get someone else involved is when they start crying ‘we can’t be forced to donate our organs and blood.’ Newsflash it was your choice, in fact it would seem to be exactly what you wanted. The number one cause of abortion is selfishness.

What about rape victims a feminist might ask? I’m sorry if this comes across harsh, but was it the budding life inside you that violated you? It would seem a victim of circumstances just like you and victimizing it does not put much moral distance between you and the animal that took away your choice.

Remember Baby Malaika who was saved from certain death after her mother (currently serving a jail term) threw her in the bushes to be devoured by wild animals? How about the woman who called Classic 105FM breakfast show and confessed to countless abortions? “Ata hii mwaka nimejaribu nimefanya mbili tu. Miaka ingine mi hufanya ata tano.” She said nonchalantly in Swahili. Her words are etched in memory, having snuffed out more than thirty lives and couldn’t give a damn. In my opinion Baby Malaika’s seemingly heartless mother stands on a higher moral pedestal than abortion activists; at least she gave her a chance (no matter how slim) to battle it out against the elements.

Note I am not condemning vulnerable young ladies who in a moment of weakness made a regrettable decision, only those who say it is not only okay but a right. Abortion is not just another means of contraception and to spread such a school of thought is plain evil.

This feminist is and will forever remain anti abortion, I dare someone else to call me a traitor to my gender for that.

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Emotional Abuse

Are you in an emotionally abusive relationship? Chances are you may not even have noticed being the victim. Emotional abusers are subtle masters of manipulation and while this (and many others) kind of girl would never tolerate physical abuse, we often fall unsuspecting prey to psychological abuse. Just like physical abuse, emotional abuse becomes a vicious cycle that gets harder to break the longer it is tolerated. Emotional abuse is not a lesser evil, it is plain evil and the scars it leaves take longer to heal because they are on the inside.

Emotional abuse characterizes itself in many ways, primarily verbal aggression, dominant and jealous behaviors. Not all abusers overly belittle or aggressively attack their partners, most are smooth and hard to spot owing to their employing of the ‘carrot and stick’ method. They spice their abuse with acts of generosity and support as a way of passive-aggressive emotional manipulation. They do this to confuse their partner, who often is blindsided by the abusive side, into thinking they did something to provoke and deserve it. The longer you remain with an abuser, the more you start to question yourself, your actions and eventually your beliefs. It is the abuser’s goal to make you believe that you deserve their random bursts of cruelty; that it is a response to something you did, therefore can stop it by trying harder.

HOW TO SPOT AN EMOTIONAL ABUSER

While most are very intelligent and good at disguising their abusive side until it’s too late and uko ndani ya box, there are a few warning bells.

Zero Accountability

It is certainly NEVER their fault. It is always about what someone else did TO them. Abusers are perfect at mimicking the victim. They often attempt to establish intimacy through the early sharing of deeply personal information that is generally of the “hook-you-in-and-make-you-sorry-for-me” variety. Initially you may perceive this type of person as very sensitive, emotionally open and maybe a little vulnerable. This is not to say what they are sharing is a lie, but ask yourself why they chose to share this sensitive information. Guys know all too well that we ladies are almost addicted to fixing things that seem broken. Don’t take the bait, keep a safe distance and observe a little first because with abusers there will always be a problem or a crisis to overcome.

Passive Aggressive

Will your partner never deal with an issue directly? Do they talk behind you balk and put others in a position of telling you what they would not directly say themselves. They tell you what you want to hear and then do some asshole stuff to undermine it. For example, okay honey go out for a drink with your friends. You get back and find them sullen and you only get one word responses to your attempts at conversation. Then, they go do something dramatic in retaliation. They rarely initialize direct confrontation but goad you into ‘starting it’ at which point they will make you feel crazy for yelling or breaking down in tears.  Dare you call them on such behavior they will call you dramatic or over-sensitive, turning the situation around on you. Run, because this person has mastered psychological warfare.

Narcissism

They overcome their buried self loathing with an over compensating narcissistic complex. They genuinely believe you should know know how they feel and what to to make them happy, without being told. They believe they deserve to be treated better (no matter how good you try, try better) and given preferential treatment and be at the top of your priority list. they are masters of back handed compliments, designed to subtly hurt but masked as concern or a joke. They may order you a salad for dinner and suggest innocently that you seem uncomfortable with your body.

Guilt Mongering

They can make you feel guilty for almost anything. They rarely speak out their needs and expect to get what they want without asking for it. When they do finally speak out, it is to criticize you for something you did wrong or fault you for a desire you did not telepathically fulfill. Nothing you do is right or good enough. They will hamper your personal development by not letting you achieve your dreams. They make you feel like the best thing they did was take pity on you and love you (which they genuinely do not). With enough time you will feel undeserving of time and love, theirs or anyone else.

Martyr Syndrome

They appear to more than happy to help. They make verbal assertions supporting your goals and dreams, but the follow through is impossible for them since they didn’t mean it in the first place. When the time comes for them to back up their words with actions the heavy sighs and remind you how they’ve already done for you ( in the process pointing out a thousand of your shortcomings). If they do ever finally do something substantial for you, they will NEVER let you FORGET about it despite the fact that you are always catering to their incessant needs.

Infectious Moods

If this person is unhappy, everyone in the room can feel it. They have the ability to impact the emotional climate of those around them and invoke someone to equalize the climate by making them feel better through fixing the problem for them. Soon enough you will be so busy solving whatever emotion they are silently propagating that you forget you have needs of your own which also deserve attention.

I wish I could say that there is a way to solve emotional abuse without leaving the abuser, but there isn’t. If really want to save the relationship, save yourself first and give the abuser space to battle their internal demons. For the abuser, it is about control, trying harder won’t stop them from being mean only show that their tactics are working. Abusers, physical or emotional, are abusive because of their internal issues and self loathing not because of anything you did. No amount of work or attempts to please will stop an abuser from abusing, only they can recognize their problem and work on their issues (with a shrink). You must have the couremotional-abuseage to distance yourself from the relationship and avoid contact with the abuser before you forget who you were and define yourself only in their terms. No matter how much you change for them it will never be enough(or even appreciated).

I believe life is too short to spend trying to convince a giant baby to grow up and not just old!